life choices
by ZhenLe
Summary: Makoto doesn't want to pressure Haru into making decisions for the future, but over the course of time Makoto starts to doubt his relationship with Haru and whether they will be able to stay together even after graduation.


**_This is something I wrote for my friend Grace (garekiki) for her birthday! Sorta kinda linked to episode 6 of eternal summer and this is what I hope to happen _****_of course it will never happen_****_ in the next episode because I don't want makoharu to separate ;-; I apologise if some parts make no sense, or if it is horrible because I cried more than I wrote aha_**

* * *

"Haru. Makoto. What are you guys planning on doing after graduation?"

"I…don't know yet" was what Makoto had replied when Haru didn't, a sheepish smile on his face.

"More like you haven't even thought about it" muttered Rin under his breath.

It was however, the complete opposite of what he had said. Makoto had had late nights, on which he had contemplated on this thing called 'the future'. Something that he didn't really want to think about.

University applications and the not so uncommon talk in class about future courses was what had forced Makoto to think about what he wanted in life. What did he want to do? Where did he want to go?

The thought had plagued him so much so that every minute of free time he had had at home was no longer spent relaxing, but instead had him searching desperately on the internet for various career paths that he could choose. Doctors, lawyers, politicians, none of them seemed very appealing to him.

There was only one thing that was just as worrying as the aspect of the future. It was Haru. The first time career choices had been mentioned in class, he hadn't even bothered to listen. And when the career path questionnaire was handed out, Makoto had caught a glimpse of Haru's answer which made him even more worried. Haru wasn't even thinking about what he wanted; he didn't even seem to care.

It had always been habit for Makoto's mum to ask him how school was each day. And ever since the here and there mention of 'future' had steadily morphed into something that none of the students could ignore, Makoto had found himself having maddening nights in which his mother's kind words became a nightmare. All throughout which he was undecided, desperate, and incredibly lonely.

During evenings when the sky was bright with stars and the soft gentle breeze caressed the surface of the ocean, Makoto and Haru would run along the shore together, silently, half training themselves for the prefectural tournaments and half enjoying each others' company. Being someone who would never, _never_ do anything that would jeopardise his friendship with Haru, Makoto had long since given up the idea of competitive swimming. But when Haru had said "as long as I can swim, I don't care", the thought of competition came back to haunt him.

Trying to reason within himself, Makoto knew that he would never, _could_ never, have the same relationship that Haru had with Rin. Rin, who could light the fire in Haru's eyes with just a single race. Rin, who could bring out the competitive side in Haru just by challenging him. Rin, who could bring out the sides of Haru which Makoto had never been able to. After all, Makoto had always been a bystander, a supporter, sacrificing anything for Haru's sake. Because Haru had always been the best in the water.

_But, I'll never know if I don't try._

Makoto knew, he just knew, that Haru would pursue the path of competitive swimming. And if that were to happen, would they even be able to stay together? Would that change everything that they had ever had? The relationship which they had built over the years? If he couldn't go down the same route that Haru would go, wouldn't that mean separation?

Makoto had barely picked out a slight disturbance in Haru's eyes when he mentioned joining the freestyle races, but that was soon clouded over with the usual nonchalant look of his. This was the first time Makoto was trying to go against what had always been their usual. This was the first time Makoto was going to throw himself out there. To test the depths of the friendship they had formed since young. To see how far he could follow Haru, if he even could at all.

This was for his sake, and his alone.

x-x-x

_"In the 200m freestyle tomorrow, I want you to race me for real."_

Even though Makoto knew that the race was 200 metres, even though he knew that he would have a greater chance of beating Haru had he chosen a shorter race, he had chosen it at the last minute. His old self was still pulling him down. He still wanted Haru to be first. He still sacrificed everything for Haru's sake. He had never wanted to be a rival, he had always been swimming just to be by Haru's side. And even though he had told Haru to race him for real, Makoto already knew who the winner would be.

Makoto could never catch up to Haru. Makoto could never have the same effect Rin had on Haru. Makoto now knew for a fact that he could never, ever, go into competitive swimming with Haru. Reality hit him so hard that he almost broke down, almost screamed in agony and sorrow.

He had to let Haru go.

"You really are the best in the water, Haru-chan!"

x-x-x

"Remember, the relay is tomorrow. Get a good rest, Haru."

Haru stared down at Makoto, who had walked him all the way to the flight of stairs leading up to his house.

"What is it, Haru?"

"Nothing," he quickly turned his head away.

Makoto didn't understand why Haru wasn't walking back home. He was just standing there, a few steps above him, staring to the side. Haru's body posture didn't tell him anything, neither did his expression, which was so unnervingly emotionless. Thinking that this might be a good opportunity, Makoto finally dared to ask again.

"Haru, what are you going to do? About your future, I mean…"

There it was again. The same shocked expression that Haru wore when Makoto had first asked during their jogging sessions. Maybe even a hint of betrayal in his eyes; Haru hated thinking about problems until they were right in his face. Having Makoto put him in this situation would naturally tick him off, even just a little.

"As long as I can swi – "

"Then, you're going into the Olympics?"

"I'm not intereste – "

"Swim coach? Dolphin trainer? What are you going to do, Haru?"

The last question came off a little harsher than Makoto would've liked, but he couldn't do anything anymore. He wasn't going to be passive anymore. He wanted Haru to make his own choice, and make it now without anyone else influencing him in the near future. Makoto knew that if he had told Rin his future plans the other day, Haru would've felt like he had to tag along with Makoto. Haru wouldn't have chosen for himself, he wouldn't have been able to decide for himself. If Makoto, his only support and strength, left him, Haru definitely wouldn't take that very well.

"Why are you asking me this all of a sudden?"

"Because I want to know, Haru. I want to know that you're going to be happy wherever you go. I want you to choose something that's going to bring out the best in you!"

"I told you, didn't I? As long as I can swi – "

"Haru! You can't keep swimming like this until you grow old you know? You're not going to get anywhere. Who's going to take care of you? Who's going to pay for your bills? You're not even interested in competitive swimming, which is something that _you_ will definitely excel in. Why can't you take some time to think about this?!"

"Makoto, why are you – "

"Because I'm jealous! Haru, I'm jealous of you! You've always been the best at swimming. You've always been good at it, and you love it! It's like you have your entire future planned out for you! Just like Rin! You get so fired up when Rin's swimming against you, and I've finally realised that I can't do the same for you. I'll never be on the same level! And even if you drop out of the Olympics or don't enter, you have so many other talents that I don't! You're talented with your hands, Haru, you're an amazing artist! And yet, yet you say that you don't know what to do. I'm jealous Haru, I really am."

"Makoto no – "

"I have no talents unlike you. I'm not particularly good at anything, I can't follow you anymore! I've always swam to swim with you, it's always been you! But now that I can't, I guess I have to let go. You have to make your own choices now, Haruka!"

Tears that Makoto had bottled up inside for so long were running down his face. He couldn't stop them, he didn't even try to stop them. He couldn't take it anymore, he couldn't stand it. He didn't want to leave Haru, he had never wanted to let go of Haru, but the way things were made the chances of them staying together almost zero. Even if he did love Haru, even if he wanted them to be together forever, reality wasn't letting it happen. And Makoto wasn't brave enough to think that their relationship wouldn't break off so easily if they were miles apart.

"I'm sorry Haru. You have to go your way, and I have to go mine."

Without so much as a glance in Haru's direction, Makoto turned his back on the stairs and walked back towards his house. He had never intended to get so angry, yet he had just taken it all out on Haru. He had never wanted to pressure Haru into making life choices, yet his actions proved hypocritical. And now, now it was as if he had pulled the entire sky down upon himself.

Haru was stunned, totally taken aback, as if a bombshell had just been dropped on him. He had never expected that, especially not from _Makoto_. Makoto, who had always been his firm foundation, his support, his greatest help, had suddenly turned his back on him. Yet Haru knew. He knew that Makoto was right. He knew that avoiding the topic wasn't going to get him anywhere. But what Haru realised was his greatest folly, was not being completely truthful with Makoto on both occasions.

Without second thought Haru dashed after his best friend. He _had_ thought about the future. He _had_ come to a conclusion by himself. He did know what he wanted for the future. And yet he hadn't been smart enough to tell Makoto the truth. He hadn't been fair all this time despite how much Makoto still continued to look out for him. He had hurt Makoto, and for that he knew he had to atone.

"Makoto!"

Haru reached out to grab the back of Makoto's shirt. He wasn't going to be the passive boy he had always been. He wasn't going to let Makoto go. Because which ship would survive without a harbour? Which building would stand without a foundation? Which earth was going to flourish without a sun? He knew that Makoto thought the world of him, but he also knew that Makoto was his world.

"H-Haru?"

"Makoto, please let me stay by your side. Please let me be there for you, with you – "

"But Haru. You have Rin. Isn't that great? Isn't it good enough? You don't need me anymore you can move on just fine witho – "

"Makoto. I could swim ten races with Rin and it still wouldn't mean as much to me as when I swim with you! You're the reason why I didn't completely give up swimming when Rin did! You're _my_reason for swimming!"

"You swim because you like it, Haru. You don't only swim for us, you're also swimming for yourself! Isn't that enough? You push yourself to the limit when you're racing against Rin. Haru hear me ou – "

"No, Makoto. I could have a thousand Rins be my challenger. I could find other rivals that I want to compete with. I could do all that, but it would never amount to swimming with you! I would rather be by your side! I'd rather have you than all that!"

"But Haru, this isn't going to help you in the future. I'm just going to be a hindrance. I want you to be happy wherever you end up!"

"And that's being by your side, Makoto! It's always been this way, hasn't it? Why can't it stay the same? I've always been fine with you, I've always been happy when you're with me. I'll go wherever you go, I'll never leave you. You don't even have to go into competitive swimming, I'll be happy as long as you are too! So please, Makoto, please don't leave me behind."

Haru gripped Makoto's shirt tighter, buried his face deeper into Makoto's broad back. He hadn't planned on crying, he hadn't even planned for this to happen. And yet here he was, grabbing on to Makoto with tears of desperation in his eyes. Makoto, who had always been with him no matter what, however much it had hurt him, despite all the times Haru had left him in the dark.

He knew that the bond he had with Makoto ran so much deeper than any other he had had. He could envision that even if they were separated by a thousand oceans, Makoto would still be the closest friend he could ever have. He appreciated all that, yet what he wanted in life, what he could picture the clearest, was to be right where Makoto was.

"Please Makoto. I need you."

He could feel Makoto trembling ever so slightly, hear the small whimpers that escaped his mouth as he fought hard not to cry.

"Are you sure about that, Haru?"

"Why wouldn't I be? Why can't we be together? Even if we end up taking different courses, having different jobs, are we really going to drift apart that easily? I don't want to lose you, Makoto!"

"Are you sure that staying by my side is going to make you happy, Haru?"_Are you sure that I mean that much to you?__Are you sure?_

"Makoto. If I had to, I would give up swimming just to be with you."

x-x-x

**Extra:**

That night, Haru had asked for Makoto to stay over at his place. After all the trauma he had just put Makoto through, he wanted to make sure that he'd be in top condition for tomorrow's relay. But even though he had insisted, _insisted_ on sleeping on the futon while Makoto took the bed, all he received was an outright refusal. So there they were, huddled together on the bed, Makoto's head resting on Haru's shoulder while their arms drooped lazily around each other.

"Makoto. Are you…are you still jealous of Rin…?"

He felt the other shift ever so slightly, Makoto's hair tickling his collarbone.

"I-I'm not sure."

"Don't be, Makoto. I'd rather have you on my side than against me. I never want to be your rival, we've always been a team, haven't we?"

"Yes," Makoto whispered, "and we'll always be."


End file.
